It was the mid-summer of 2020, and I found myself stuck in a black hole of depression so heavy it felt like I had a sadness subscription I couldn’t cancel. You know, the kind of funk that glues you to the couch and makes every day feel like a rerun of the same sad soap opera.
There was no trace of light at the end of the steel walls of the black tunnel that became me. It felt like I was the lead in my personal emo music video, complete with foggy thoughts and a soundtrack of moody tunes.
To the outer world, I was the girl who had it all together.
I was smiling in Zoom meetings, cracking jokes with friends over text, and even posting the occasional “#Living my best life! ” on social media. I was the epitome of being fine—maybe even happy — while secretly eating cereal for dinner and Googling “how to adult without crying” and wondering if a better sleep would fix everything. Heartfelt positive emotions were few and far between .
Eventually, I realized I wasn't alone.
It turns out that a lot of people have mastered the art of the "public smile, private struggle" routine. Even as my Instagram feed fills up with perfectly filtered photos of vacations, sunny weather, and avocado toast masterpieces, I know plenty of people are feeling out of sync but afraid to show it.
Jelly Roll’s newly released song I Am Not Okay
I am not okay His lyrics hit hard because they expose what so many of us go through—the weight of pretending, the exhaustion of keeping it together when everything inside feels like it’s falling apart. They remind us that behind even the brightest smiles, there can be hidden pain. But more importantly, they remind us that we are not alone in it.
If you’ve ever felt this way, keep reading.
You’re not the only one who just seems happy on the outside, while struggling inside.
The Hidden Epidemic of Smiling Depression Psychologists have a term for this phenomenon— "smiling depression." It's not your typical presentation of depression , but rather a nuanced description of individuals who appear functional, successful, and happy-go-lucky on the outside while experiencing significant emotional pain internally. These are people who show up to work, complete their everyday tasks, maintain relationships, and seemingly have their lives together – all while battling intense negative emotions that remain carefully hidden.
This hidden epidemic is more common than you might think. According to the National Institute of Mental Health , approximately 21.0 million adults in the United States had at least one major depressive episode in 2021 alone. This figure represented 8.3% of all U.S. adults. And while not all of these individuals may be experiencing smiling depression, it just goes to show how prevalent mental health struggles are in today's society.
It is not uncommon for individuals struggling with depression to keep it private. From wanting to protect their privacy and independence to fearing judgment or stigma, there are many personal and professional reasons why people choose to hide their struggles and may mask them with a smile.
Let's have a closer look at why people may put up a façade of happiness while struggling inside:
1. Not Wanting to Burden Others Depression and guilt tend to go hand in hand. Many people struggling inside feel guilty that sharing their pain would make them a burden to others. They think, “Everyone has their own problems—why should I add to them?” It’s a self-imposed gag order that stems from a place of care, but ironically, it often leads to more isolation.
The reality is that most loved ones want to help. But when you’re in the thick of it, it can feel like the only way to “help” them is to pretend you’re fine, even if you’re falling apart inside.
2. Fear of Backlash or Misunderstanding Let’s be honest—mental health still carries a bit of a stigma. Even with all the progress we’ve made, phrases like “snap out of it” or “just think positive” haven’t disappeared. For some, the idea of opening up and hearing those kinds of responses feels worse than keeping everything bottled up.
There’s also the fear of being misunderstood. Will people think you’re just being dramatic? Lazy? Ungrateful? These fears keep people silent, choosing to wear a mask rather than risk the vulnerability of being truly seen.
3. The Culture of “Toughing It Out” We’ve been conditioned to believe that strength equals silence. Slogans like “keep calm and carry on” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” have deeply ingrained narratives that equate emotional vulnerability with weakness, particularly for men who are often expected to be stoic and unemotional.
In reality, this mindset is like trying to run a marathon with a sprained ankle. Sure, you might make it a few miles, but eventually, you’ll collapse. Strength isn’t about pretending everything is fine—it’s about knowing when to ask for help.
4. Maintaining Professionalism In a work setting, many people feel they have to keep their struggles hidden. After all, we live in a world where phrases like “leave your personal problems at the door” are still thrown around.
For someone dealing with inner turmoil, the thought of appearing “weak” or “unstable” at work can feel terrifying. So, they slap on a smile, show up to meetings, and keep their struggles neatly tucked away, even if it’s costing them their mental health.
5. Denial Sometimes, it’s easier to convince yourself that everything is fine rather than facing the uncomfortable truth. Denial is a defense mechanism that helps individuals cope with intense emotions and avoid confronting painful truths.
But just like any other coping mechanism, denial can only work for so long before it starts to crumble under the weight of reality.
6. The Social Media Effect Oh, social media. The place where everyone’s life looks like a dream vacation, a perfect relationship, or a flawless career. It’s no wonder people feel pressured to keep up appearances when the internet is constantly shouting, “Look how amazing my life is!”
Posting a picture of your morning coffee with a “#grateful” caption feels safer than admitting you cried into that same coffee five minutes before taking the photo. The highlight reel culture makes it easy to feel like you have to fake it to fit in.
7. Hope That Things Will Get Better Sometimes, people keep their struggles to themselves because they genuinely believe (or hope) that things will get better soon. They tell themselves, “It’s just a phase. I’ll push through, and then I won’t have to explain anything to anyone.”
While optimism isn’t inherently bad, this approach can backfire if the struggles persist. Waiting for things to magically improve without seeking support often leads to deeper feelings of helplessness.
8. Because Smiling Is Easier (Sometimes) Sometimes, smiling is easier than explaining what’s wrong, especially when you’re not sure yourself. You can feel like your emotions are a tangled mess, and untangling them for someone else might feel exhausting. So, you put on a brave face and soldier on, even if it’s the last thing you want to do.
9. Perfectionism For some, the facade of happiness is rooted in perfectionism . They feel like they have to be the perfect partner, parent, friend, or employee and that anything less is a failure. Showing any signs of struggle can feel like admitting defeat.
This is especially common for Type A personalities , who thrive on achievement but often fear that vulnerability equals weakness. The pressure to maintain an image of success can make it even harder to ask for help.
But perfectionism is unattainable and exhausting. Trying to live up to impossible standards only adds more pressure and makes you more depressed.
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The Danger of Pretending to Be Happy When You're Not Continually hiding one's true feelings isn't just emotionally exhausting – it's psychologically damaging. When individuals consistently suppress their authentic emotions, they're essentially creating an internal pressure cooker, leaving little room for self-care or addressing one's struggles .
Some possible consequences of maintaining the facade may include:
1. Increased Stress Levels Faking happiness is hard work. It requires constant mental energy to suppress negative feelings, maintain a positive demeanor, and keep up appearances.
This effort creates an internal tension known as emotional labor . Imagine carrying a heavy backpack all day without ever putting it down—that’s what suppressing emotions feels like to your brain and body.
Over time, this stress can snowball , leaving you physically and mentally drained. In some cases, it can lead to more serious consequences, such as the development of mental illness or even suicidal thoughts.
2. Relationships Can Suffer While you might think pretending to be happy protects your relationships, it often does the opposite. When you hide your true feelings, it creates a barrier between you and the people who care about you.
Friends and family may sense that something is off but feel unsure how to approach you. They might misinterpret your cheerful facade as a sign that you don’t need support, leaving you feeling isolated and misunderstood.
Authenticity, even when it’s messy, fosters deeper connections. Pretending, on the other hand, can leave you feeling lonelier than ever.
3. Emotional Burnout Keeping up a facade day in and day out can lead to emotional burnout—a state of being completely tapped out emotionally, mentally, and even physically.
Signs of emotional burnout include:
Feeling numb or indifferent Loss of motivation Difficulty finding joy in activities you once enjoyed A constant sense of exhaustion Pretending to be okay doesn’t just mask your struggles; it can magnify them, pushing you further into burnout.
4. Risk of Depression and Anxiety When you’re constantly hiding your feelings, it’s easy to spiral into more serious mental health issues like depression or anxiety . Pretending to be happy can make you feel trapped in your own life, unable to express your true self.
This “emotional imprisonment” creates a feedback loop:
You feel unhappy. You pretend to be happy. Pretending makes you feel more isolated and inauthentic. Isolation and inauthenticity deepen your unhappiness. 5. The Danger of Overlooking Your Own Needs When you prioritize looking happy over being happy, you might start neglecting your own needs . Instead of addressing the root causes of your struggles—whether it’s stress, loneliness, or unresolved trauma—you focus on maintaining appearances.
This can delay the healing process, making it harder to move forward. Addressing your true emotions is key to finding genuine happiness and well-being.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Be Real Without Feeling Exposed Breaking free from this cycle of pretending to be happy requires courage and intentional effort. Here are some strategies to help individuals move towards more authentic living:
1. Normalize Emotional Complexity We all want the same things in life: to feel happy, understood, and valued. But our emotions are a bit complex—we might feel happy one moment and feel sad the next, and that’s completely normal. Just recognize that experiencing a range of emotions is fundamentally human.
2. Find Your Circle You don’t need to open up to everyone, but having a few trusted people in your life can make all the difference. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist , these are the people you can talk to when the mask becomes too heavy to wear.
3. Practice Small Acts of Vulnerability Being real doesn’t mean airing all your struggles at once. Start small—maybe by sharing a tough day at work or admitting you’re feeling stressed. You might be surprised at how others respond, and it can encourage deeper connections.
4. Take Social Media with a Grain of Salt Remember that what you see online is a curated version of reality. Comparing your life to someone else’s highlight reel is a recipe for unnecessary stress.
5. Practice Emotional Regulation Instead of suppressing your emotions, learn to manage them in healthy ways. Techniques like mindfulness, journaling, or even taking a walk can help you process your feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
Signs Someone Might Be Struggling Behind the Smile Sometimes, the people who seem the happiest are the ones who need support the most. Here are some signs you can tell that someone might be happy on the outside but struggling on the inside:
They frequently dismiss their own feelings with phrases like, “I’m fine, really!” They go out of their way to appear overly cheerful or upbeat. They avoid discussing deeper topics or deflect with humor. They seem to isolate themselves more than usual. If you notice these signs in someone, consider reaching out. A simple, “Hey, how are you really doing?” can open the door to a meaningful conversation.
Related: Simple Yet Effective Ways You Can Help a Loved One With Depression
Don’t Keep Up Appearances, Your Struggles Are Valid At some point, almost everyone has worn the mask of happiness while struggling inside. It’s a coping mechanism, a way of navigating a world that often demands smiles no matter what’s happening in your heart.
But, remember, it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to keep up appearances or pretend everything is perfect. Your struggles are valid, and so is your need for connection, support, and healing.
That doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be grateful for suffering, but sometimes, even in difficult moments, there are small things worth appreciating —a friend who checks in, a moment of peace, or even just the fact that you're still here, trying. Gratitude during tough times isn’t about dismissing pain; it’s about recognizing that light can exist alongside it.
So, the next time you catch yourself putting on a brave face, pause and ask: What would happen if I let someone see the real me? You might just find that honesty—messy, imperfect honesty—is the first step toward genuine happiness and emotional well-being .
I know I can’t be the only one No matter how heavy things feel, you are not alone in this.
