Can narcissists really change for the better?
If you’ve ever been in a relationship—romantic, familial, or professional—with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, this question has likely crossed your mind. They may show flashes of self-awareness—perhaps even remorse—only to slip back into manipulation, grandiosity, or emotional detachment.
So, is real change possible? Or is it just an illusion?
A narcissist can change, but not in the way most people hope. They don’t suddenly develop deep empathy or self-awareness overnight. Real change happens only when something shatters their sense of control, forcing them to confront the reality of their actions. These moments are rare—but possible.
Narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all diagnosis—it exists on a spectrum, from occasional self-centered tendencies to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Some individuals can develop healthier relationship patterns, while others remain stuck in destructive cycles.
To truly understand whether a narcissist can change, we need to examine what change actually looks like, what forces might push them toward transformation, and whether love, therapy, or age can make a difference.
What Causes a Narcissist to Change? 4 Moments That Can Break Their Patterns
A narcissist rarely changes by choice.
But when their carefully controlled world collapses—through personal failure, abandonment, or aging—they may be forced to confront their behavior. These events don’t guarantee lasting transformation, but they create pressure points where self-reflection—and even real change—might occur.
Let’s look at four of the most common catalysts.
1. When They Hit Rock Bottom
Crisis is often the most powerful catalyst for change, especially for someone who has built their identity around control, admiration, or success. When a narcissist experiences a catastrophic failure—whether in relationships, career downfall, reputation, or health—their sense of superiority takes a serious hit.
The individual may experience what therapists call a "narcissistic injury" of sufficient magnitude, forcing them to acknowledge their shortcomings. This can take many forms:
- Career & Reputation: A once-respected leader gets exposed for unethical behavior, leading to public disgrace and job loss. With no position of power, they struggle to rebuild their influence.
- Health & Aging: A narcissist who relied on physical appearance faces a serious illness or injury, making them feel vulnerable in ways they’ve spent years avoiding.
- Financial Crisis: Someone who built their self-worth on wealth loses everything due to reckless decisions and can no longer sustain their grandiose lifestyle.
At this point, they may react in one of two ways: either doubling down on defensiveness and blame-shifting—accusing others, making excuses, or reinventing themselves with a new narrative—or experiencing a rare moment of reckoning.
If they choose the latter, this can be an opportunity for growth, especially if they seek out mentorship, therapy, or professional guidance in an attempt to rebuild. However, true transformation depends on whether they are willing to accept real accountability—not just use the situation as a means to manipulate their way back into power.
2. When the Pain of Losing Someone Becomes Unbearable
While narcissists often view relationships as transactional, losing someone they relied on for validation, admiration, or control can shake their core beliefs. A long-term partner leaving, a family member cutting ties, or even repeated failed relationships can force them to confront an uncomfortable reality: they no longer have access to the people who once reinforced their sense of superiority.
This doesn’t mean they change because they suddenly want to be better for the future—it’s more about what they’ve lost than a deep desire for growth. However, the pain of abandonment or rejection can sometimes be a turning point. Some narcissists may start questioning their own behaviors, not because they lack narcissistic tendencies, but because they no longer have the external reinforcement they depended on.
While this doesn’t guarantee lasting change, a repeated pattern of broken relationships can lead them to recognize how narcissistic abuse, including manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional neglect, contributed to their isolation. If this realization is paired with genuine self-reflection and professional help, some may work toward meaningful change. But for others, the lesson is short-lived—they might focus more on regaining control or finding a new source of validation rather than truly evolving.
3. When a Narcissist Is Forced to Self-Reflect (Rare but Possible)
Although rare, some narcissists do reach a point where they are forced to self-reflect, especially when external events shake their carefully constructed identity. A particularly insightful therapist, a profound personal loss, or even exposure to psychology and self-development content can sometimes trigger this process.
However, self-reflection for a narcissist is not the same as it is for others. Their entire identity is built around avoiding feelings of inadequacy, so true introspection requires confronting painful truths they have long suppressed. If they reach a point where their usual defense mechanisms—denial, blame-shifting, and grandiosity—no longer serve them, they may experience a moment of genuine self-awareness that could lead to change.
But for many, self-reflecting becomes just another tool of manipulation. Some narcissists learn to appear self-aware, using just enough insight to regain trust, maintain relationships, or shift the blame onto others—all while avoiding real accountability. True change requires consistent effort, discomfort, and humility, qualities that many narcissists struggle to sustain.
4. When Time Forces Them to Rethink Their Power
As people age, their ability to control situations, maintain dominance, or command admiration naturally declines. This shift can be unsettling for those with narcissistic traits, as they may no longer receive the same validation they once did from colleagues, romantic partners, or social circles.
Interestingly, research suggests that personality disorders, including NPD, tend to lessen with age. A small 2014 study found that 53% of people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) were in remission after two years. This suggests that some narcissistic traits may fade over time, possibly due to life experiences that challenge their self-image.
However, remission doesn’t mean a full transformation. Even those who no longer meet the full criteria for NPD can still display narcissistic tendencies—they just adapt. Instead of demanding admiration for success, they might shift to seeking validation through stories of past accomplishments or playing the role of a misunderstood victim. While they may become less outwardly aggressive or domineering, their need for validation often remains—just in different forms.
What Does “Change” Really Mean for a Narcissist?
We’ve explored the rare moments that can push a narcissist to confront their behavior—but what does real change actually look like? It’s important to define change clearly, because expectations often differ between those hoping to change and those waiting for someone else to change.
Again, if by change, we mean a complete transformation—where a narcissist suddenly becomes deeply empathetic, introspective, and emotionally generous—then the likelihood is low. Personality is deeply ingrained, and long-standing narcissistic tendencies, especially in individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are difficult to alter in a fundamental way.
However, if change means a narcissist developing more self-awareness, moderating harmful behaviors, and learning to engage in healthier relationships, then the answer leans toward yes—but with significant caveats.
A narcissist can learn new behaviors and coping mechanisms, but deep, intrinsic change requires effort and humility—two things many narcissists struggle to sustain. Their ability to change depends on several factors:
- Their level of self-awareness and willingness to acknowledge faults.
- Whether they have external motivations that reinforce positive change.
- The severity of their narcissistic traits—milder traits are easier to manage than diagnosed NPD.
Why Change Is Challenging for Narcissists (But Not Impossible)
Even when a narcissist experiences a wake-up call—whether through loss, failure, or isolation—change is still an uphill battle.
Imagine spending your entire life viewing the world through a particular lens. This lens has helped you navigate complicated emotions, protected you from vulnerability, and shaped your identity.
Now imagine someone telling you that this lens—the very thing you rely on—is what’s hurting you and those around you. This is what true change demands from a narcissist. Their worldview isn’t just a bad habit; it’s an elaborate psychological defense system built around a fragile core.
One of the biggest paradoxes of narcissism is that these individuals have inflated self-importance yet deeply fragile self-esteem. They need validation and admiration to maintain their self-image, yet they’re extraordinarily sensitive to criticism—the very thing that might drive self-improvement.
This makes true change difficult—not because they’re incapable of growth, but because their instinct for self-preservation often overrides it.
Can a Narcissist Change for Love?
After exploring what narcissistic change really looks like, it’s natural to wonder: Can love be a catalyst for change? If a narcissist truly loves someone, won’t they recognize the harm they’re causing and try to be better?
The harsh reality is that love alone is not enough to inspire deep, lasting change. A narcissist may adjust their behavior temporarily—especially if they fear losing a relationship that benefits them. They might become more affectionate, promise change, or even agree to therapy, but these shifts are often short-lived.
A common cycle is love bombing—a phase where they shower their partner with attention, gifts, or affection to regain control. Once the relationship feels secure again, however, they typically revert to old patterns of manipulation, emotional withdrawal, or criticism. This cycle makes it difficult for their partner to leave, as they hold onto the hope of seeing the “good” version of the narcissist return.
Some narcissists may even offer to go to therapy, not because they’re committed to growth, but as a way to appease their partner and avoid real consequences. They may attend sessions halfheartedly, refusing to engage in deep self-examination, or use therapy to reinforce their own narrative.
What Does This Mean for You?
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to separate temporary behavior shifts from true change. A narcissist can change, but only if they are genuinely motivated—not because of love, external pressure, or fear of abandonment.
If love alone isn’t enough, what actually helps a narcissist sustain change? How can you support growth while also protecting yourself?
How Can You Support a Narcissist Who Wants to Change?
If you have a narcissist in your life who is showing genuine signs of wanting to change, your role can be significant—though it must be carefully balanced with self-protection.
Here are ways you can offer support while maintaining your own well-being:
1. Set Firm Boundaries
The most constructive stance combines compassionate understanding with firm boundaries. Clear, consistent limits actually provide the structure many narcissists secretly crave—even if they resist them at first.
Without boundaries, a narcissist may continue their narcissistic behavior unchecked. It’s essential to be clear about what behaviors you will and won’t tolerate and to follow through with consequences when necessary.
Healthy boundaries are especially important in a person’s life when dealing with someone who tends to push limits, test patience, or manipulate situations. Boundaries are not about controlling the narcissist—they’re about protecting yourself and defining acceptable interactions.
2. Avoid Labeling Them as a “Narcissist”
It’s tempting to call someone a narcissist, but directly labeling their behavior can backfire. Only a mental health professional can diagnose NPD, and throwing around the term can feel stigmatizing or even confrontational.
“I wouldn’t recommend suggesting to the person that they are narcissistic or have narcissistic personality disorder because those terms are so loaded,” says Mark Ettensohn, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Unmasking Narcissism.
Instead of labeling, when you talk with a narcissist, focus on specific behaviors and how they impact you. This approach is more constructive and less likely to spark defensiveness. For example, instead of saying “You’re being a narcissist,” try:
“I feel dismissed when I share my concerns and they aren’t acknowledged.”“I need conversations where we both feel heard, not just where I listen.”
This shifts the focus away from blame and toward mutual accountability.
3. Encourage Self-Awareness
Helping someone recognize their behavior requires patience and strategic timing. Narcissists tend to avoid deep self-reflection because it threatens their self-image. Instead of direct confrontation, try reflective questions like:
"How did you feel when that happened?""What do you think was going through their mind?""Do you think that response helped or hurt the situation?"
These types of questions invite introspection without triggering their defensive instincts.
However, be mindful that self-awareness doesn’t always lead to accountability. Some narcissists may use insights about their narcissistic behavior as a tool for further manipulation. That’s why self-awareness alone is not enough—it must be paired with genuine effort, external motivation, and a true desire for self-improvement.
4. Reward Growth Without Inflating the Ego
When a narcissist makes progress, reinforce their efforts subtly. Overpraising can feed their need for validation instead of encouraging real change.
- Helpful reinforcement: “I appreciate you taking the time to listen.”
- Not helpful: “You’ve completely changed! You’re a different person!”
Simple acknowledgments of effort encourage continued growth without reinforcing a performance-based dynamic.
Recognizing small improvements is essential in a person’s life when dealing with someone who has long-standing hurtful behaviors. However, keep in mind that genuine change requires consistency—not just isolated moments of improvement.
5. Encourage Therapy
While you can support the change process, you can’t be both their partner and their therapist. However, you can help them consider therapy in a way that feels constructive rather than confrontational.
Narcissists are more likely to engage in therapy if they see personal benefits rather than feeling criticized. Instead of saying, “You need therapy,” try framing it in a way that aligns with their self-interest:
“A lot of high-achievers work with therapists to improve communication and emotional intelligence.”“Therapy could be a tool to help you navigate stress and relationships better.”
Many narcissists also respond better to external motivations—success, leadership, or control over their own lives—rather than emotional appeals. They may be more open if therapy is positioned as a way to enhance their skills, confidence, or ability to succeed in relationships or work.
At the same time, therapy should never feel like a forced ultimatum—but it can be a boundary. Instead of saying, “You have to go to therapy,” try:
“I want to continue this relationship, but I need to see a real effort toward healthier communication. Therapy could be a step in that direction.”
This shifts the focus from fixing them to what you need for a healthy dynamic.
If a narcissist in your life is showing signs of wanting to change, therapy can be one of the most effective tools available—but only if they engage willingly.
Can Therapy Really Help a Narcissist Change?
Therapy can be a powerful tool for personal growth—but only if the person truly wants to change. There’s no one-size-fits-all therapy for narcissistic traits, and progress depends on the individual’s willingness to engage in deep self-examination. Many narcissists may enter therapy to appease a partner, save a relationship, or maintain their image, rather than to make real changes.
That said, certain therapeutic approaches have shown promise in helping individuals with narcissistic tendencies break harmful patterns and improve their interpersonal skills. While these methods don’t guarantee a complete personality shift, they can lead to meaningful improvements in behavior and relationships.
1. Schema Therapy
Many narcissists develop their patterns as a way to cope with deep-seated fears of abandonment, mistrust, or emotional deprivation. Schema therapy works by identifying and reshaping these deeply ingrained thought patterns, helping individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms and break cycles of defensiveness and grandiosity.
2. Transference-Focused Therapy (TFT)
TFT is a psychodynamic approach that helps individuals recognize how their unconscious conflicts impact their relationships. The therapist acts as a mirror, allowing the patient to see and work through issues related to entitlement, control, and emotional regulation in a structured setting.
3. Metacognitive Interpersonal Therapy (MIT)
Self-reflection doesn’t come easily to narcissists, as their mindset is often built around avoiding feelings of inadequacy. MIT helps individuals develop metacognition—the ability to analyze their own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors—so they can recognize rigid thought patterns and improve their interactions with others.
4. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is one of the most widely used forms of therapy for challenging unhealthy thinking patterns. For narcissistic individuals, it can help address distorted beliefs about entitlement, superiority, and blame-shifting. By replacing these faulty perceptions with healthier, more realistic self-perceptions, CBT can support better relationship dynamics and decision-making.
Navigating Change: Make Sure You’re Asking the Right Question!
The question "Can a narcissist change?" doesn’t have a simple yes or no answer. Change is possible, but it’s neither quick nor easy. It requires genuine self-awareness, professional support, and sustained effort—elements that many narcissists struggle with.
If you’re hoping for change, the key is to balance hope with self-protection. Support can encourage growth, but it’s crucial to recognize when progress is real versus a temporary shift to regain control.
For those deeply invested—especially spouses, family members, or long-term partners—this process can lead to compassion fatigue or empathy fatigue. The ongoing emotional labor of trying to help someone who resists meaningful change can be exhausting, leaving you drained, frustrated, and questioning your own mental health and well-being.
Ultimately, the real question isn’t just whether a narcissist can change—it’s whether waiting for that change is worth the emotional cost to you.
