Intimate relationships are typically a source of conflicting experiences.
Romantic partners can make us feel loved, cherished, respected — like we belong. At the same time, romantic relationships have the power to provoke our darkest demons to come out, causing many challenges. What causes these individual differences and such opposite experiences?
The attachment theory provides the answer in the form of attachment style differences.
Even though the most significant attachment occurs in early childhood, attachment theory also accounts for differences in how we relate to significant others as adults. Our meaningful relationships and how we approach emotional intimacy can reveal whether we are securely attached.
What is the difference between insecure attachment and secure attachment — and why does it matter?
The short answer is that secure attachment in adults is characterized by high self-esteem, trust in others, and healthy relationships, while insecure attachment is marked by anxiety, fear of abandonment, and difficulties with intimacy and trust. The long answer is that it depends on what type of insecure attachment you have.
This article will help you gain self-awareness in the realm of attachment styles and explain why adult attachment is vital. We also introduce an exciting concept of earned secure attachment for those who desire to find their way to feeling secure in emotional intimacy as adults.
What Are the Four Types of Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory can be considered a cornerstone in personality and social psychology. Despite criticism, attachment theory delivers a robust framework for understanding how our earliest relationships with primary caregivers affect our ability to have healthy relationships as adults.
You can read more about the theory, its development, and the four attachment styles and their effects on your life and relationships here.
Let’s recap — a person can be securely or insecurely attached. Insecure attachment manifests itself as one of three styles: anxious attachment style (corresponding to the ambivalent attachment style or anxious ambivalent attachment in children), avoidant attachment style, or a combination of the two, called anxious-avoidant attachment or disorganized attachment style.
What are the signs of having each?
Secure Attachment Style in Adults
Secure attachment means an ability to connect with someone on a profound level — and feeling safe in such closeness.
In particular, the secure attachment style in adults looks like this:
- You see yourself as worthy of love.
- You see others as generally accepting and responsive.
- You do not feel an intense fear of rejection.
- You value independence but also feel good when someone gets close to you.
- You trust others, but also your judgment.
- You do not fear being alone.
Anxious Attachment Style in Adults
An anxious attachment style is characterized by a craving for intimacy coupled with an intense fear that the attachment figure would abandon us.
In practice, anxious attachment is manifested as follows:
- You see yourself as unworthy of love and have low self-esteem.
- You see others as necessary for you to feel good.
- You often worry that your romantic partners do not truly love you.
- You want to merge completely with others.
- You worry about being abandoned.
- You crave emotional intimacy but always feel that emotional closeness could be taken away.
Avoidant Attachment Style in Adults
Adults with an avoidant attachment style will consider themselves an island — emotionally speaking. They avoid forming deep emotional intimacy with others.
If you have this avoidant attachment style, you probably:
- See yourself as worthy of love and competent.
- See others as untrustworthy or undependable.
- Do not consider intimate relationships important.
- Value your self-sufficiency and are not prepared to let it go.
- Find it very difficult to depend on others and avoid intimacy.
- Avoid showing emotions and expressing emotional needs.
Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Style in Adults
An anxious-avoidant attachment style, also known as a disorganized attachment style, presents a complex combination of needing others but fearing emotional intimacy at the same time. It is based on negative perceptions of both oneself and others.
Such ambivalence presents itself as the following signs of anxious-avoidant attachment:
- You do not see yourself as worthy of love.
- You do not feel others are dependable and accepting.
- You have difficulties establishing clear, healthy boundaries.
- You tend to display erratic, inconsistent behavior with romantic partners.
- Your relationships are often chaotic, even abusive.
- You might prefer casual sex to emotional intimacy and stable relationships.
Comparing Different Attachment Styles
In understanding attachment styles, it’s crucial to explore how they compare to each other, particularly when examining secure versus insecure attachments. This comparison helps highlight the distinct characteristics and behaviors associated with each style, providing valuable insights into how attachment processes influence adult relationships.
If you're wondering, "What is the difference between secure and insecure attachment in adults?" it's all about how we connect and relate to others.
Secure attachment is marked by high self-esteem, trust in others, and the ability to form healthy relationships. In contrast, insecure attachment often brings anxiety, fear of abandonment, and struggles with intimacy and trust, making it challenging to maintain fulfilling connections.
Below, we delve into the differences between secure attachment and two common insecure attachment styles, anxious and avoidant attachment, as well as a comparison between anxious and avoidant attachment.
Secure Attachment vs. Anxious Attachment Style
Secure attachment is characterized by high self-esteem and the ability to seek support from partners, while anxious attachment involves low self-esteem and constant worry about the relationship's stability.
Individuals with a secure attachment style typically exhibit high self-esteem, trust in others, and the ability to seek support from partners in a healthy manner. They have positive perceptions of relationships and find comfort in physical contact and emotional closeness.
On the other hand, those with an anxious attachment style often experience intense anxiety about their relationships. They may have low self-esteem and constantly worry about perceived threats to the relationship. This can lead to behaviors such as seeking excessive reassurance, becoming overly dependent on their partner, and employing manipulative tactics to gain attention.
Secure Attachment vs. Avoidant Attachment Style
Securely attached individuals are comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy, whereas avoidantly attached individuals avoid intimacy and struggle with emotional closeness.
People with secure attachment tend to value intimacy and have the confidence to form close, meaningful relationships. They are comfortable with emotional and physical closeness and maintain healthy boundaries.
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment often avoid intimacy and struggle with emotional closeness. They might view themselves as self-reliant and distant, finding it challenging to seek support or express vulnerability. This can stem from a desire to protect themselves from perceived threats and maintain a sense of control in relationships.
Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment Style
Anxious attachment is marked by a desire for constant reassurance and fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment involves emotional distance and a reluctance to seek intimacy.
When comparing anxious and avoidant attachment styles, it’s clear that both are forms of insecure attachment but manifest in contrasting ways. Anxiously attached individuals crave closeness and often worry about abandonment, leading to clingy or needy behaviors.
In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals distance themselves emotionally, fearing intimacy and often withdrawing from potential closeness. These opposing behaviors can create significant challenges in relationships, as one partner seeks constant reassurance while the other pulls away to maintain emotional distance.
Understanding these comparisons not only clarifies the distinctions between different attachment styles but also underscores the importance of developing a secure attachment style for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Why Do Attachment Styles Matter in Adulthood? 4 Benefits of a Secure Attachment in Romance and Friendship
Attachment styles initially develop in childhood through interactions with primary caregivers. However, their impact does not end there. Whether you have a secure attachment or one of the insecure attachment styles (anxious attachment style, avoidant tendencies, or disorganized attachment), they play a pivotal role in shaping your behavior and relationships in adulthood.
These internalized relational patterns influence how you perceive yourself and others and affect your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships.
An insecure attachment style can jeopardize our social and personal relationships and negatively impact our emotions and cognitive appraisals, how we manage stress, and how we manage conflict. Different attachment styles can account for differences in adult romantic relationships, so self-awareness is a crucial first step towards earned secure attachment.
Here are four reasons why attachment styles matter in adulthood, based on empirical evidence.
1. Personal Relationship Satisfaction
More often than not, a person’s relationships tend to evolve in predictable patterns.
So, you might have (almost) always chosen supportive partners and felt good in your relationships. Alternatively, your relationship dynamics might be tumultuous and evoke a lot of distress.
In both cases, attachment styles guide you in making decisions on partners and how you interact with them. Therefore, they affect how happy you are going to be in relationships.
Relationship satisfaction is largely directed by whether you have a secure or insecure attachment style.
Research confirms that a secure attachment style is associated with significantly higher satisfaction in romantic relationships. Such findings are repeated in empirical literature and across cultures.
For example, low self-esteem, associated with an anxious attachment style, can evoke behavioral patterns and negative emotions that make it hard to be happy in a relationship. For example, you might seek constant reassurance, which strains any relationship.
One study suggests that, even though both anxiety and avoidance lower relationship satisfaction, avoidant attachment style is coupled with low gratitude toward the partner. Therefore, gratitude practices could help mend this adverse impact of avoidant attachment.
2. Emotional Regulation
Attachment styles significantly influence an individual’s ability to regulate emotions.
Those with secure attachment styles tend to exhibit better emotional regulation skills (an important component of emotional intelligence). The early experiences of emotional support and warmth provided by the primary caregivers secured a safe base of comfort and reassurance. The internalization of this attachment process and its effects produces emotional stability and the ability to soothe oneself and handle one’s own feelings effectively in adulthood.
In contrast, individuals with insecure attachment styles often struggle with emotional regulation.
- Anxious attachment is connected to heightened sensitivity to emotional triggers.
- Avoidant attachment usually provokes emotional suppression and an accumulation of unresolved feelings.
- A disorganized attachment style causes erratic emotional responses and difficulty maintaining emotional balance.
For this reason, insecure attachment styles are often associated with mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and stress-related disorders. On the other hand, research confirms that enhancing attachment security improves mental health and well-being.
3. Conflict Resolution
Attachment styles play a crucial role in approaching and resolving conflicts as adults.
Securely attached individuals typically handle conflicts more constructively. They are more likely to communicate openly, express their feelings and needs clearly, and seek mutually beneficial solutions. Being free of anxiety and avoidance tendencies helps address disagreements without fearing abandonment or rejection.
On the other hand, insecure attachment styles can hinder effective conflict resolution.
- An anxious attachment could provoke excessive reassurance-seeking or manipulative behaviors to avoid losing the relationship.
- Avoidant attachment style is coupled with withdrawal and disengagement, leading to unresolved problems and growing resentment.
- Unpredictable conflicting behaviors are typical of a disorganized attachment style, making resolution particularly challenging.
Understanding these dynamics and one’s own emotions is vital for improving relationship quality and stability.
4. Personal Development
Attachment styles shape self-perception, self-esteem, and the capacity for personal growth.
Research revealed that, apart from attachment styles’ impact on relationships, these relational patterns affect overall psychological well-being. So, by overcoming an insecure attachment style, you are growing as a person and developing better mental health.
Acceptance from your primary caregiver sends you a message that you are worthy and capable. As a result, a secure attachment style helps you pursue personal goals, take risks, and confidently embrace new opportunities.
Negative self-image and self-doubt are common occurrences among people with insecure attachment; this state of mind can impede personal development.
- Anxious attachment causes overreliance on others and an excessive need for validation and constant reassurance.
- Avoidant attachment might isolate the person, depriving them of meaningful social relationships that offer emotional support for personal development.
- Disorganized attachment can result in a fragmented sense of self, making it difficult to pursue coherent personal goals or maintain a stable sense of identity.
How Can You Overcome an Insecure Attachment Style?
Based on all the advantages of a secure attachment mentioned above, we will likely agree that it is the preferred style.
But what about the unlucky ones not gifted security from their earliest days? In other words, can an insecure attachment become secure? Yes. The change does not come immediately, but overcoming an insecure attachment style is possible.
A recent longitudinal study involving over 4,000 people showed that some life events are associated with changes in adult attachment styles. In some instances, these changes (both for better or worse) are transient. In other cases (such as when experiencing trauma like sexual abuse or, on the contrary, finding a supportive and loving life partner), some people became more secure and others less so in enduring ways.
Therefore, a change is possible. We talk about earned secure attachment when you commit to developing a secure attachment style as an adult. Yes, because you earned it. So, what is earned secure attachment?
Earned Secure Attachment
When someone asks, “Can I change my attachment style?” the answer lies in the concept of an earned secure attachment.
Given that only 30% of the population has a secure attachment style, most of us could consider intentionally earning a secure attachment. A person with this attachment style looks the same as someone who has always been securely attached, but with one key difference — they had to work towards it.
They started with an insecure attachment style coming from adversities in their early relationships with caregivers. However, with some effort and adequate guidance (usually from a professional), they learned to connect safely and meaningfully and build close relationships.
Our article on actionable steps to develop a more secure attachment style will help you navigate the process if you decide to embark on the journey.
Open Doors to Healthy Emotional Closeness
Many life experiences are completely out of our control — such as how our caregivers were with us and how they showed us love. We might experience a trauma that would shake our core and change us from the inside. Consequently, whether we develop an insecure attachment style is largely out of our hands.
What is in our control is the decision to pursue the journey towards a more secure attachment style.
Developing earned secure attachment can sometimes be challenging, but it is worthwhile. Feeling safe, stable, and able to love and be loved are worthy goals.
Learn how to take the first step towards meeting your emotional needs and building more stable relationships.
Use the knowledge of attachment theory to find out your attachment style and open the doors to romantic relationships that will enrich your life and help you grow.
