Have you ever spoken to someone, and when the conversation ended, thought to yourself, “Wow! That guy really gets me.” That right there is the power of effective conversation. It makes you feel heard, understood, and connected.
Sadly, it is vanishingly rare because most people prefer to talk "at" instead of "to" each other. Stephen R. Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, summed up the situation perfectly.
"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply."
Enter the 43:57 Rule, or what we like to call the Golden Ratio of Communication. This rule is a conversation guide that helps you correct this talk-listen imbalance and have more effective conversations.
In this article, we'll explore what the 43:57 Rule is and how you can apply it to have more enriching and fulfilling conversations.
The Power of Active Listening
An old story about President Franklin D. Roosevelt illustrates the current listening climate. Purportedly, the President suspected that people rarely listened to what he said during White House meet and greets, so he decided to carry out a little experiment to prove his point.
While moving down a greeting line during a white house function, he said to each guest, "I killed my grandmother this morning." Nobody noticed. Most people responded with meaningless platitudes like, "Good work Mr. President," "We're proud of you," and "Good job Sir."
Not until he arrived at the end of the line that he met someone who realized what he said and whispered back, "I'm sure she had it coming, sir."
Unverified it may be, the lesson this story passes is clear. Sometimes we're so caught up in what we want to say that we completely miss what others are saying to us in turn.
A conversation is supposed to be like a game of catch, where someone tosses you the ball — their opinion or perspective on something. You catch it — understand and consider it — and throw back your response. But the way we play it now, it's more like a game of dodgeball where we do our best to avoid the ball and instead focus on trying to bludgeon the other person with our opinions.
There’s a reason for that.
Studies show that talking about ourselves gives us pleasure comparable to what we get from sex, cocaine, and good food. The problem is, when we spend so much time talking about ourselves, we leave our partner feeling unappreciated and unheard. It is an unhealthy trait that causes people to walk away from a conversation and say things such as, "It was like I wasn't even there," or "It felt like talking to a wall."
There's a better alternative — active listening.
Active listening can help your conversation partner work through stress and make them feel understood and satisfied. It also benefits you because it causes them to see you positively.
You become someone who truly cares as opposed to someone who repeats platitudes. This, in turn, can improve your relationships and collaboration in your professional life.
Active listening is a skill that people who are emotionally intelligent use regularly.
What is the 43:57 Rule?
A few years ago, Gong Research Labs set out to find out the ideal amount of time you ought to spend talking and listening in a conversation. After analyzing 25,537 sales conversations, they discovered that the highest-yielding sales conversations had an average talk-to-listen ratio of 43:57. Conversely, the lowest closers spent 60% or more of the time talking.
This means that as ironic as it sounds, you're much more likely to get across to someone on any point if you talk less about it.
Listening more can make your partner feel that you are attentive to their needs instead of simply trying to exploit them. It can also give your conversation partner a chance to work things out for themselves and arrive at the right conclusion instead of seeming like you're imposing your will on them.
How To Apply The 43:57 Rule for Better Conversation
Listening more than you speak is the key to having richer conversations and building better relationships. Unfortunately, unlike talking, listening does not come as naturally to most people.
There are certain personality types who are a step ahead of the rest of us because they are naturally empathetic and good listeners. To unlock the secrets of effective communication, it is a skill you must master.
Luckily, there are a few tips for becoming a better listener.
- Get curious
- Brave the silence.
- Practice active listening.
Get Curious
Ask questions. Don't just go on a monologue but ask for your partner’s opinion. Doing so involves them in the conversation and shows that you value their opinion.
Go into the conversation with a "What can I learn?" instead of a "Let me show off what I know" mindset. You might find out something new and get your message across.
Brave the Silence
Many people are terrified of silence in a conversation, so they rush to fill it with something, even if it is meaningless chatter. However, a conversation, like a sea, has its ebbs and flows, and there will be times when things get still.
Don't panic, and let the conversation breathe. From the silence may grow new ideas and thoughts that would otherwise be lost if you rushed to fill it up.
Practice Active Listening
Like anything else, you'll improve at active listening the longer you do it. Make it a habit by practicing tuning into a conversation every day. That means not checking your email or scrolling through social media while conversing with someone.
Before long, you'll be able to fully digest what your partner is saying and start reaping the benefits of the 43:57 Rule.
Listening for Better Understanding
When we listen more than we speak, we improve our understanding of the world and each other. This skill may not come easily, but you can develop it by being curious, practicing regularly, and being comfortable with silence.
As a final thought, I share this quote from Epictetus:
"Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak."
