When most people hear that someone has an extroverted personality, certain images and expectations come to mind…
Extroverts are social butterflies. They are always the first to initiate a conversation, love to hang out in large groups, and can become fast friends with almost anyone. In the workplace, extroverted people are assertive and confident in dealings with co-workers and clients.
Because of this, extroverts are the last people you would ever think of when discussing social anxiety disorder. However, being extroverted does not make you immune to anxiety.
Although it is rare, you can be an extrovert with social anxiety.
Many socially anxious extroverts mistake their symptoms for introversion or struggle to overcome their fear enough to socialize. This article will teach you how to tell if you are a socially anxious extrovert and give you tips that will help you cope if you are.
What is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety disorder (aptly abbreviated SAD, which is not the same as Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a mental health condition characterized by a fear of social situations, especially when others scrutinize or evaluate your performance.
People with this mental health disorder realize that their fear is irrational but still can't help feeling inadequate, self-conscious, and judged in social situations.
They may also experience physical symptoms like:
- Rapid heartbeat
- Sweating
- Nausea
- Trembling
- Blushing
If you are the type to overanalyze your social interactions or fixate on a minor flaw and blow it out of proportion in your mind, there's a pretty good chance that you have social anxiety. Other emotional symptoms or tells are getting anxious about appearing visibly nervous and putting tremendous effort into appearing “normal.”
Next to specific phobias, social anxiety is the most commonly diagnosed anxiety disorder, affecting 15 million people in the U.S. alone. Genetics can be involved in developing a social anxiety disorder, but environmental factors like neglect, excessive criticism, and childhood trauma usually play the most significant roles.
With social anxiety disorder, the resistance to being around people is different from that associated with the introverted personality trait. Introverts prefer staying away from social settings because they are emotionally draining for them.
For an extrovert with social anxiety disorder, they want to attend social gatherings, but their fear and emotional symptoms prevent them from being in the present moment to enjoy them. They simultaneously crave and fear social interaction.
Can Extroverts Have Social Anxiety?
The first time I came across the idea of an extrovert with social anxiety, my mind immediately rejected it. After all, isn't the whole essence of extroverts that they love to socialize and hang out with people?
Wouldn't being anxious about socializing be contrary to their very nature?
However, after giving it some thought, I realized two things that convinced me that extroverts can also develop social anxiety disorder. The first is that extraversion and introversion are not hard categories. They are opposing ends of a spectrum, and it is rare to find people who exist at either extreme.
What is far more likely is that you have a blend of the two, even if one is more dominant.
The second thing to note is that despite what society would have you believe, whether you have anxiety is NOT dependent on your personality traits.
Remember that society is biased against introverts, and one way it shows is how we've warped the meaning of "extrovert" to mean “outgoing” and "introvert" to mean “shy and anxious.” Consequently, when we hear about social anxiety, we immediately think of introverts.
In reality, introversion is not the same as shyness or social anxiety. Instead, it deals with how people gain energy–in this case, by spending time alone in their internal world.
All this means that although it is atypical and uncommon, social anxiety can affect extroverts too. This isn’t just conjecture. The science backs it up.
In a recent study, psychologists used the Big 5 Model to compare the personality test results of people with social anxiety disorder against those without the condition. While most people with social anxiety disorder tended to score lower on extraversion, a few had high scores, and many had near-normal extraversion scores.
What Does Social Anxiety Look Like for an Extrovert?
Social anxiety affects extroverts, too. However, it manifests differently in them than in introverts. Being a socially anxious extrovert is also not the same thing as being an extrovert who also likes being alone.
How can you tell if you are an extrovert with social anxiety? Some signs to look out for are:
You Want Everyone Around You to Have Fun
As the extrovert in your friend group, you are the de facto host or party planner. Your house is where everyone hangs out, you come up with fun things to do as a group, and you ensure everyone shows up once you agree on a plan.
It is normal to want everyone to have fun when you're hosting a social gathering. However, if you are hyper-vigilant about people's needs and overly concerned about satisfying them, that is a sign you may have social anxiety.
A regular extrovert will try to ensure that everyone is having fun but leave it alone if there's nothing they can do to fix it. An extrovert with social anxiety will obsess over it so much that they miss out on having fun themselves.
You Make Plans, Then Bail Last Minute
If you're the sort who'll say "yes" to an invite — only to call 30 minutes before it starts to cancel, you may be an extrovert with social anxiety.
Extroverts want to socialize and interact with others. It is your nature. You are hardwired to draw energy from people, so when you receive an invite, you say “yes” without much thought because it's what you really want.
However, if you’re a socially anxious extrovert, as the event draws nearer, so does your anxiety. You start to worry and second-guess yourself.
"What if I embarrass myself at the party?"
"What if they don't really want me there and only invited me to be polite?"
Eventually, your anxiety gets the better of you, and you call to cancel. Unfortunately, more than any reason you can cook up in your head, this is likely to alienate you from others because it makes you seem unreliable and flaky.
You Overthink
“Do I look alright? "
"Was that a stupid thing to say? "
"Oh my, I hope they don't think I'm weird. ”
If you love to hang out with people, but the whole time you’re there, you’re thinking anxious thoughts like these, you might be an extrovert with social anxiety.
Socially anxious extroverts overanalyze every tiny interaction and pick out flaws that most likely went unnoticed by others. They replay their mistakes long after they've happened and are always worried about what they did or said to the point that it affects their ability to have a good time.
You Feel Judged Even When No One Is Judging You
If you always feel like everyone is whispering about you even though you logically know that’s untrue, you may have social anxiety.
Extroverts with social anxiety often judge themselves harshly. When they mingle with others, they think people see a negative caricature of themselves rather than their true selves and persuade themselves that people hate them.
For example, an extrovert with social anxiety might walk up to a stranger and have what would be considered, by normal standards, a pleasant conversation. They then never speak to that person again because, in their mind, they fumbled that conversation, and now that person hates them.
You Never Go Anywhere Without a Plus One
If you’re an extrovert, but only when you have your friends around you, chances are you are also socially anxious.
Extroverts with social anxiety never go anywhere without accompaniment. They might attend a social event but only talk to the people they already know. We call this safe socialization since they are already reasonably sure these people like them and don't have to worry about being judged.
This fear of judgment makes extroverts with social anxiety dependent on someone to be a buffer between them and the world to lessen their anxiety. They can't eat alone, go to parties solo, or, in severe cases, even use the bathroom alone.
You Are Afraid of Being Left Out
Do you constantly worry that your friends are cutting you off and hanging out without you, even when there is no evidence to prove it? You may have social anxiety.
Extroverts want to hang out with people, but socially anxious extroverts worry that people are hanging out without them. When they find out that their friends got together without them, even if it was unplanned, they worry that their friendship is falling apart and think their friends have betrayed them.
Alone Time Doesn't Recharge You or Improve Your Mental Health
How you feel after spending time alone is a reliable way to tell if you are an extrovert with social anxiety?
Remember, extroverts gain energy from interacting with people, while introverts draw theirs from their internal world. So, if you feel energized after spending time alone, you are an introvert. However, if you still feel tired or bored after alone time, you are an extrovert with social anxiety.
How to Cope With Your Social Anxiety as an Extrovert
As a socially anxious extrovert, you face a unique problem. You gain energy by socializing, but talking to people makes you anxious. So, you avoid social interaction, but that makes you lethargic and depressed, and you need to socialize again to regain your energy.
Essentially, you are stuck in a catch-22, with no way out. Fortunately for you, there are a few ways to escape this cycle:
Learn About Social Anxiety and Practice Identifying Your Triggers
Try to learn more about social anxiety disorder. We’ve already covered the basics, but dive deeper into the subject. That way, instead of blindly freaking out when you get anxious, you can understand what’s happening and devise an appropriate reaction.
For example, imagine you're hosting a party, and you feel anxious because a couple of people aren't mingling. Instead of panicking, you can acknowledge your social anxiety symptoms and pinpoint what's causing them. You can then modify your behavior—in this case, accepting that you can't satisfy everybody, and lessen your anxiety.
Practice Mindfulness
Don’t get trapped in a doom spiral when you’re anxious. Focus on the here and now and keep yourself balanced. You can do this by doing some mindfulness activities.
You can try different self help techniques to reduce anxiety, but some of the most common are diaphragmatic breathing, meditation, and yoga. They will help you cope with your anxiety by calming your mind, blocking out unwanted thoughts, and stopping overthinking.
Accept That You Can't Control Everything
The sooner you accept that you can’t micromanage people’s feelings, the quicker you’ll overcome the social anxiety that comes from playing host. It's admirable that you want to ensure everybody’s having a good time, but you can’t control how people feel, and it's not your responsibility to try.
Trying to force people to be happy and upbeat at your party can backfire, making them feel worse and you look overbearing. But who knows, if you leave people to their devices, they may gradually come out of their funk and have a great time.
Cut Yourself Some Slack
This isn't advice I'd typically give, but just this once: don't hold yourself to high standards. Lower the bar a little.
Interacting with people is a little scary for anyone, much less someone with social anxiety. So, of course, you’ll make mistakes. Go easy on yourself and be forgiving. Don't keep a playlist of all your greatest fumbles and play it on repeat in your head. Acknowledge your faults and move on.
Tell yourself, “These things happen,” “It's no big deal.” Move on and do it again and again. Over time, you’ll get more comfortable and maybe even reach a level where it feels natural to you.
Reframe Unhelpful Thoughts
You may have intrusive thoughts that make you feel unattractive, bad at talking, and undeserving of friendship. However, if you examine these thoughts closely, you’ll realize that these thoughts are false and fall apart when questioned. So, instead of dwelling on them, stop your intrusive thoughts and reframe them into constructive thoughts.
For example, if you think that everyone despises you, pause and question it. Is it accurate? Is there any proof to support it? Probably not. You can then switch it with an alternate thought like “I have friends and family who care about me.” That way, you can deal with your anxiety and thrive in any social situation.
Try Exposure Therapy
In ancient times, kings sometimes intentionally ingested small amounts of poison daily to make themselves immune. Exposure therapy works in much the same way. It involves putting yourself in increasingly challenging social situations so that you gradually get accustomed to them and overcome your anxiety.
Before you try exposure therapy, speak with a therapist, licensed clinical social worker, or other mental health professional. Start small, and gradually increase the intensity when you are ready. The goal is to teach you how to tread water in social situations, not cast you off into the deep end and leave you to drown.
Explain Your Anxious Feelings
Sharing your social anxiety struggles with people you trust will make things easier for you in the long run. For one, it will help them understand you and provide context for some questionable things you may have done because of anxiety — think canceling on your friends a half hour before you're supposed to meet.
Additionally, your friends can be your support network when you feel socially anxious. They can be your buffer against the world when you feel overwhelmed or your cheerleaders when you brave new social situations. Don’t underestimate the effect good support can have in helping you overcome social anxiety.
If you don't have family or friends you can talk to, there are support groups. You can check out the Anxiety and Depression Association of America website to see what's available in your area.
Consult a Mental Health Professional
Experiencing social anxiety as an extrovert from time to time is normal. For example, even the most extroverted person out there may get nervous about public speaking in front of a large group.
Feeling anxious in new social situations is also not a cause for concern, unless it prevents you from doing things that you want to do. Extroverted individuals can only be happy with their own company for so long.
If your social anxiety symptoms have you feeling overwhelmed so much that they are significantly interfering with your daily functioning, then it's time to get some mental health care. Especially if you have tried all the other things on this list.
While there are individual differences in how extroverts experience social anxiety, if you are living with excessive fear, it can lead to a more severe social phobia and/or depressive disorder. If you are experiencing depressive symptoms along with your anxiety, then it's definitely time to speak to a professional.
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You Can Be Confident Even as an Extrovert With Social Anxiety Disorder
As an extrovert, developing social anxiety can complicate your life and make it difficult to recharge yourself. Fortunately, as we’ve outlined above, there are methods of treating social anxiety disorder and healthy coping mechanisms you can employ. Give them a try today, and you will be on your path to becoming a self-assured extrovert.
